In the Case of One Month Old Renesmee
by sleepyvalentina
Summary: A crack fic in honor of Limona's birthday. Bella goes on a talk show to determine the father of her baby. This is not meant to be taken seriously AT ALL. ooc/ah


I don't own Twilight.

Happy birthday, Limona. I hope this makes you giggle.

* * *

Years ago, it was funny and a way to make a name in the business. Now when he looked in the mirror, he hated himself. Surrounded by staff and make-up people, he prepared for another taping of another show, and another day of making money off the stupidity of others. The moral ambiguity did not escape him, but he pushed these thoughts out of his mind. He did, after all, have a job to do.

He made his entrance to enthusiastic applause, took his seat next to his first guest, and began to read from the teleprompter.

"Welcome. Paternity tests a frequent occurrence on our show, but this is a story shocking even to me. Seventeen-year-old Bella is with us today searching for the father of little Renaynay. We have four men backstage who have agreed to be tested. That's right, four. But that's not what makes Bella's story so different. These four men are brothers."

The audience gasped, and poor Bella shifted in her seat uncomfortably. She hated that she was being branded a whore. After all, what she'd done was no different than what takes place in the fan fiction she liked to read to a regular basis. Those girls never wound up on the Murray show. Of course they didn't, she thought to herself. Those stories always ended with double penetration and multiple orgasms that took place on self-cleaning sheets so that no one had to sleep in the wet spot.

"So, Bella." The talk show host placed his hand on hers in a gesture of mock comfort. When he first started his show, such a gesture would have been sincere. Now he knew the more physical contact there was in an hour of programing, the higher the ratings. "Tell me how you came to be here."

"It has to be one of them, Murray. None of them will step up. They haven't so much as purchased a package of diapers. Meanwhile, I've had to quit school to support my baby. They won't own it."

"Let's bring these boys out and hear what they have to say for themselves. Let's welcome Emmett, Jasper, Edward and Rose."

The boos of the audience were deafening as the three men and one woman took their seats on the stage.

"One of these things is not like the other," the host read from teleprompter, hardly able to keep a straight face as the audience continued to jeer. "Rose, how are you even a possibility?"

The tall, beautiful blond woman pushed her hair back over her shoulders. "Tenth months ago, I answered to Ronald."

As the audience roared with laughter, Bella couldn't stop her tears. She only wanted to find her daughter's father.

"How did we get here, Bella?" After all these years, he could sound like he cared with very little effort on his part.

"Well, Murray." Bella blinked back tears as she spoke. "I loved Edward. The rest of them wouldn't leave me alone."

The host turned to Emmett. "Is this true?"

"Well, yeah, but she kind of asked for it. She goes around smelling all like strawberries and freesia and shit," Emmett explained.

"Good enough to eat," Jasper concurred.

"Or to at least taste," Rose added.

Edward sat in silence, his arms crossed across his body defensively.

"She was reading this story one day on the interwebs," Jasper explained. "It was all group sex and shit. The girl in the story claimed she came harder than she ever imagined possible, because she had cock in every hole."

"The Bella looked up at us all wide-eyed with her doe brown chocolate orbs, and we just couldn't resist anymore. We had to have her."

The host turned to Bella. "Did you consent to this?"

"Well...yeah..." she explained. "I mean, I love Edward and all but it's like he has no idea what I'm thinking half the time. And he has problems downstairs, you know."

"What kind of problems downstairs?"

"Let's just say no one would ever think his peen was made of diamonds, even if it does sparkle."

The laughter of the audience nearly eclipsed Edward's angry cry.

"I can't believe you just told the whole country I can't get it up," he wailed.

"Since I'm sure the audience is confused right now, Bella, please explain why you're having Edward tested to see if he is the father of your daughter if he can't get an erection?"

Bella shrugged. "Wishful thinking? Some girl at school got pregnant without even having sex. You know...frottage. If that can happen to her, why not me? I want Edward to be the father. I love him. He just doesn't fulfill me."

"So you gang-banged my brothers." Edward's voice was laced with venom.

Bella ignored him and kept her eyes on the talk show host.

"Anyway, I was reading about dripping cores and pulsating members, and I wanted that. I wanted to come hard and on demand. I wanted multiple climaxes, and to taste spunk that was as sweet as candy. Lots of people's fantasies come true. Why can't mine? They all wanted me anyway. I smell like strawberries and freesia and my poon juice tastes like ambrosia. I have lush, full breast with nipples that harden into tiny nubs if anyone so much as mentions the S-E-X word. My body was made for this."

"She does taste like ambrosia," Jasper interjected. "I can vouch."

Edward pinched the bridge of his nose in disgust as the talk show host hit his head with his hand while looking to the audience in frustration.

"Well, I have the results right here. Starting with Jasper, in the case one month old Renaynay you are NOT the father. Emmett, you are NOT the father. Edward, you are NOT the father. Rose...you are the father."

Bella ran backstage in frustration, as Rose stood up triumphantly.

"Yes, Murray!" she exclaimed. "I've always wanted to be a mother."


End file.
